Week 284: Ask Backwards MCLXVII  


The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Underpants

Sucking Out One's Eyeball With an Electrolux

Yet Another Relationship

That Is "Not Appropriate"

Speedy Alka-Seltzer, Wile E. Coyote and Ellen Sauerbrey

Abraham, Martin and Sid

The Ford Phlegm

Baked Arkansas

One of Them $ 3 Street Ties

A Swiss Army Deodorant

Ecclesiastes, Deuteronomy and Chlamydia

Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini

It's About the Size of a Watermelon

This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner gets a gigantic ceramic peanut with a stupid grin, a genuine antique from the 1980 Carter campaign. It is worth $ 30. 

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 284, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug 31. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 281, in which we presented four groupings of three items each, and asked you to tell us which item in each group did not belong with the other two.

Second Runner-Up:

"The Fish" and "The Hammer" are desirable and intimidating Mafia nicknames. No self-respecting hit man would want to be called "The Glazed Ham."

(Jon Batten, Washington)

First Runner-Up:

In the study of lower life forms, the mouse is not as useful as the other two.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

And the winner of the Spaghetti en la Sticko:

You can breathe in when you use the Rubik's cube.

(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Honorable Mentions:

The hanger doesn't belong. The butter and cactus were props in the Brando sequel, "Last Tango in Tucson." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Butter is the only item that would be useful at a nudist colony. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; David Genser, Arlington)

Only Item One represents the first time an American newspaper has served up drawn butter to its entire readership simultaneously. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

It's a trick. They all belong. The fish's name is WorthingHAM. (Larrilee Black, Alexandria)

Only the ham is unnecessary for the production of fish meal. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

The ham is the only item without scales or claws. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Only Item One serves as an allegory of modern American journalism in which "Barnacle Mike," who once "swam the Globe," now finds himself trapped in a "Glass" house. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Even President Clinton will refuse to snack on a "chicken-fried hammer." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Only the ham has no role in the manufacture of Spam. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

James Joyce does not belong. The correct sequence is Ham-Hammer-Hammerstein.

(John Kammer, Herndon)

The Rubik's Cube is useless for imitating the act of flatulence. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

The cube does not belong. The plunger and trumpet both bear these labels: WARNING: Not to Be Used as Breast Pump." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

A Rubik's Cube is no good for clearing a clogged toilet. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Larrilee Black, Alexandria)

The Rubik's Cube was not used in bed by Roxanne Pulitzer. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

It is easy to use the cube or the trumpet while seated on a toilet. (Peyton Coyner, Afton; John Kammer, Herndon)

Plumber's Helpers and trumpets may be stored in the overhead bin, but the giant carton has obviously been "checked." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Only the Rubik's Cube cannot possibly provide entertainment. (Gary Clare, Bealeton)

The stupid rodent does not belong because the other two things begin with "M." (Mike Genz, La Plata)

"Mein Kampf" and Mickey Mouse both originated in cells. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

Mickey Mouse is the odd item because he is not a tool used by those who would examine your genetics. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville)

Next Week: Taking Snides